This page is devoted to jokes

There was a motor car accident.
Mr and Mrs Smith and Mr and Mrs Ball stopped to help.
The injured people were very lucky to have been pulled out by the Smiths.

Bright Lights, Big City. A guy walks into a bar in a jovial mood. Orders a beer. Asks the stranger next to him:
"Would you like a drink". The guy replies "No thanks, tried it once, didn't like it". So he takes out a packet of smokes,
"Would you like a smoke" and gets:  "No thanks, tried it once, didn't like it". Hey man, where's friendship these days, so he asks him:
"Would you like a game of darts". The guy replies "No thanks, tried it once, didn't like it, but you can ask my son over in the blue shirt".
"Your only son I presume".

Have you heard the yolk about the egg ?

Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock. Knock who? Knock Knock. (repeat endlessly)

What's the difference between a canary? The one leg's pink - and the other leg's also green.

There were two birds sitting on a fence. The one's name was Again, and the other's name was Again Again. Now Again Again flew away, which one was left? Again.
There were two birds sitting on a fence. The one's name was Again, and the other's name was Again Again. Now Again Again flew away, which one was left? Again.
There were ...(tone gets more monotonous with each repetition). (Leo Tuttleberg, Standard Bank Computer Division, circa 1968).

Teacher asks the std 2 class "What's the definition of the word 'nice'". Little Johnny (remember him) says "Being Pregnant". Teacher says, HUH, how's that ? Little Johnny says "Well my 17 year old sister told my dad that she's pregnant and he said 'That's nice, that's F***ING nice'".

What have a monkey and a bicycle got in common? They can both climb trees, except the bicycle. (Denton Francis, circa 1962).

A piece of string walked to the barman and asked for a drink. But the one end of the string had become a bit unravelled. The barman said "Are you human"? The string replied "I'm a frayed knot". (The late Sven Brauteseth, Baptist Minister, PE)

Who wrote the book "Cliff Tragedy" ? Eileen Dover.
Who wrote the book "Rusty Bedsprings" ? I P Knightly

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat ? The one mucks about the fountain.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm For shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 Rand That he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks, are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant Pulled him in..

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have Your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van Covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of His head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball Stuck up my backside." The Doc says: "How's that?" The guy: "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking Battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my Driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm In several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search And rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

A picture of two Cats rugby players with their names below, Bobo Jantjies. (Smiley Marais, 2005).

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be R26.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. Short time later the waitress comes with the
order and says, "That will be R52.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "Several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million Rand or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." (Ronnie & Squeak Futter 2005)

Did you hear about the absent-minded professor who walked into the gents loo, opened his waistcoat, took out his tie, and piddled in his pants ?

Man in a cafe: "Waiter - could I please have coffee without cream". Waiter goes away, returns "Sorry sir, we have no cream - you'll have to have it without milk". (My Dad - Long ago)

Cowboy spends hours in the saloon drinking Kentucky whiskey. Gets Blind Drunk. Walks out of the saloon, stops the first guy he sees and asked him "Say, pal is that the sun or the moon up there in the sky?". Guy looks up, shakes his head, "Sorry pal, dunno - I'm a stranger in town myself". (Joe Stone circa 1970)

More...(thank you)

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